Originally posted on My Depression Hope 8/31/21. I am doing much better and no longer feel this way to this degree. I am dismantling the Depression Hope blog and reposting its content here (as I explain here) in the hopes that this will help others with similar struggles.
I struggle with depression, and sometimes I ruminate on ending my life. Some days, the idea of freedom from the emotional stress and storm that is depression is so very appealing. Sometimes I am afraid of the harm I may do to myself. It is frightening to move beyond the safeguard that basic survival instincts should provide, yet often that is exactly what I do. The future becomes a blank, and I, in my dark moments, cannot see the true cost of giving up my future. All I can see is the potential to be free from the pain. All it would take is for me to have a bit more courage to complete the task.
In moments like these, my faith seems to hibernate. God is good, and He is my Lord. I know that. Yet I shut out this reality. I compartmentalize my faith. Instead of turning to God for healing and strength, I retreat deeper into myself, deeper into the dark ocean that is depression. I get lost on those stormy seas. I can’t find my way back.
Yet I have one comfort, even in my “midnight of the soul” moments: Psalm 121:7 NLT.
“The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life.”
How precious the truth of this verse. My Lord watches over my life and keeps me from all harm, even the harm that I am sometimes tempted to inflict upon myself. I am not alone in this war of depression – the Lord is watching over my life. He protects me, even from myself. He doesn’t cringe and turn away from me with my mental health struggles. He protects me and helps me. I know He will continue to keep me from harm, especially when my own strength runs out.